******************WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!********************************

Chicken John did not write the following post. The post below was written by
bay area lloser Jim Mason and sent to the damnlist and the Squidlist and
everything else. But is here for your amusement....

(see Chicken's response)


THE 9/16 INCH WRENCH PROJECT


Don't tell me what I told you before. Yes, I'm doing a Bman project this
year, and yes, you'll like it. It's called the 9/16 INCH WRENCH
PROJECT. You can read the details below. It's my gift to the
community.


To celebrate, I'm shamelessly honoring myself as the featured Bman
artist this Tuesday at the Odeon. It is a fundraiser to raise funds for
the things described below. I'll also be whoring my past Bman ouvre
or
you to enjoy. The drinks cost money. I, however, am free.


> Chicken.

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DAMNLIST #67: THE 9/16 INCH WRENCH PROJECT


The 9/16 wrench: simple in form, near universal in function, and
missing from every goddamn toolbox I've ever owned, borrowed or
stolen. The 9/16 (also known as the 14mm or 3/8 whitworth, as well as
pliers, channel locks or hammer in most third world countries) has
been called the wrench for every job, the one you pick when you're not
sure, and the one you pick when you are. It's the taskmaster of the
toolbox, the mistress of every mechanic, the savior of every slant six
jockey from fremont to fresno. So why the fuck is it never there when I
need it? How many times have I tried to find it to tighten down a line of
head bolts, install a salvaged water pump, or fix the generally
unfixable, and the fuker is missing. Borrowed? Stolen? Carried off by the
dog?
Lost from overuse? Who the fuck knows. What I do know is that
everyone needs at least one quality 9/16 inch wrench to smooth their
passage through the Seven Ages of this mortal coil. And as a symbol
of the new and improved, kinder and gentler Chicken John, I would like
to give each and every one of you a shiny new one. That's right, a gift
from me, Chicken John. No strings attached. I promise. Kind of. I think.
Shut up. Just listen. This is for your benefit.


In a city thick with the muck of hippie pagan new age trance dance
ritual chakra zen yoga energy community channelling fruitarian bullshit, I
offer as an antidote, the 9/16 inch wrench. One end is open. The other end
is closed. I've found this to be important. This summer I will be
bringing my ministry of the wrench to a playa near you. You will notice
me upon your entry to our shinning city in the desert. I will be standing
on the
left, about 200 feet after where they check your trunk for freeloading
gutterpunks from Minneapolis. I'll be your second stop, and from my
hand you will receive a brand new, fresh out of the wrapper 9/16. My
goal is to give every man, woman, child, dog or otherwise who passes
through the gate a new wrench. That's right, all 28,000+ of you glitter
hippies will get a wrench personally from me, Chicken John. 4.7 tons
of quality 9/16 inch wrenches are already on their way from the finest
prison labor tool factory in China to pier 79 right here at the end of
Army Street. For this largess, we have to thank the art patron himself,
Larry
Harvey, and the unwashed at Ace Auto Salvage. If you're lucky, you
may even recognize a chunk of the Duster you gave to Junkman last Fall
returning to you in your freshly minted, hot off the boat, eco-affirming,
9/16.


What you do with the wrench after I pass it off to you is of corse up to
you. It is you're experience and you're the participant, not the
spectator.

But when you leave BRC, you will be required to submit to me a written
report of the lessons learned and the experiences enabled during
your one week journey with the wrench. When I give you the wrench, I'll
als give you a nice piece of paper to write on, draw, cut, fold, spindle,
mutilate, stain or otherwise alter in a manner that expresses your
uniqueness as a human being, what you learned from your wrench,
and the beautiful ways you used it to interfere with someone else's
immediate experience. Yes, these wrench reports will be published.
I'm making one of those snooty coffee table art type books out of them.
But I really don't give a shit about what you write or draw- it's the
concept baby. It's all conceptual art from here on out. And this is my
cheap gimmick to get my ass in the MOMA's of the world. If they let in a
barely
literate guy from Jersey, pedaling a book about experiences with the
9/16, they'll let in any one. You might even have a chance. Then again,
you've read this far.


The lovely people at Burning Man are already doing lovely things in
preparation for our little swareee. The DPW is promising a 9/16
compliant event on all fronts. The Art Team Orchestration Command
Module is encouraging 3/8" bolts, with the usual 9/16 head size as the
standard fastener for all theme art projects on the playa this year.
Even the central cafe is attempting a full construction with 9/16 compliant
bolts and nuts. Therefore you will have many opportunities to
experiment with your wrench on BRC public property as well as
various machines and people you might find in you're camp and/or pants
Friday night, about the time the naked people start dancing around the
big burning penis and vagyna, join us in center camp while we
disassemble the cafe tetra-octa-quadra-dodeca-hedron lean-to. It's a
community project! Weeeee! Join hands and dance! Drum! Get
drunk and spit! Fall down and puke! Get carried off in the Meda-Vac!
Show
your mom your picture in the Reno Gazette, right under the headline,
"5,000 dope addled arsonist hippies disassemble and reassemble
an entire building in two hours flat . . . for absollutely no reason
whatsoever.

Some were heard to be numbling 9/16 . . .9/16" For those who need
more, I'll also be DJ'ing on Radio Free Burning Man everyday from
1-2pm interviewing rubes who care to share their tales of the wrench.
For those who need less, you've already got it. Compelling interviews
will be cc'ed to the Gazette. You have been warned.


This project is being made possible through the generosity of the
newly formed Black Rock City Council for the Arts and Sciences and it's main
proprietor, Mr. Larry Harvey. Unfortunately, due to factors of chaos
typically beyond my control, in a conspiracy against me, I have already
spent most of the check on other things so now I have to have a fuking
fundraiser to get my container of wrenches out of hawk when they
arrive at Pier 72 next week. The fundraiser is at my bar, The Odeon, this
Tuesday night. Yes that makes me the featured Burning Man artist
this week. And for my weak, I'm featuring the 9/16 Inch Wrench Project.
Bring two 9/16 inch wrenches or wenches and get in free. Otherwise
pay $5. Drink more than usual and help me out. I need the money.
You don't. You need a wrench. Don't ask questions. We've been through
this before. You lost, remember?



This has been and will be a production of Chicken John Industries. All
rights reserved for no reason whatsoever, as no ones gives a shit.
Complaints, issues and money you owe me should be directed to me
at
chicken@dammit.org.

***

Copyright © 1998-2000 Dammit! Ltd